


Bugs and Mirrors

by sinosijjang



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kim Donghyuk drabble, Self Confidence Issues, appearance issuies, around 2017? when dongdong was skinny as hell, canon compilant, everybody love kim donghyuk, his brothers love him tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:20:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22603129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinosijjang/pseuds/sinosijjang
Summary: They say the only one who will stick by your side is unfortunately stuck behind a mirror.In mirrors Donghyuk only saw the disappointment.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	Bugs and Mirrors

The only one who will stick by your side is unfortunately stuck behind a mirror.

Donghyuk stopped looking at the mirrors for about two months already. He didn’t like it anymore.

He’d see a scrunchy teenager there, not too goodlooking, not too ugly, with shy smile, thin cheekbones and not enough courage and ambitions. He wondered how did he even get so far. He only gained enough confidence to be an idol through his teammates words which knew Donghyuk didn’t think too highly of himself.

That’s why Jinhwan said “You’re doing good”.

That’s why Yunhyeong said “You’re way too cute, I’m jealous~”

That’s why Junhoe said “Your voice isn’t like any of ours”.

That’s why Chanwoo said “I want to learn the dance from you”.

That’s why Hanbin said “You can do it. Just work a little bit harder”.

That’s what kept him going until too many days pass by and all the warm words were forgotten, piled up under the heavy wall of emotional luggage, built with doubt, guilt and other inner complexes.

In mirrors he only saw a disappointment.

He wanted to sing higher, to move smoothly, to look attractive for fans. They said he’s been gaining weight, Donghyuk always gained weight way too easily but not anymore.

He’s been doing good dieting nowadays – or more like his appetite has disappeared, he’d look at the plate filled with food and feel nothing but slightly nauseous. Donghyuk would shove a spoon or two in himself but that was it, he didn’t want anymore. Maybe he didn’t think he deserved it, maybe he didn’t see why would he need the dinner (when was the last time he ate?), maybe… he didn’t know the reason, he just stared down and felt like hundreds of tiny black bugs swarmed into his stomach, gagging him. If Donghyuk moved rice in the bowl, he somehow was sure he’d see those bugs – dead from being cooked, hidden among seasoning, utterly disgusting and unapologetic.

He’d always left the plate uneaten.

Yunhyeong was sad from seeing this, but what Donghyuk could do except for feeling even more guilt?

The distorted reflections in company’s van mocked him when he accidentally threw a glance at them. _Disappointing kid_.

He would occasionally find a chocolate bar in his bag before dance practice (that was probably from Chanwoo) or a vitamin drink being left on purpose in his room (that was totally Bobby’s doing). Donghyuk didn’t usually touch them anyway but in those moments his heart felt warm. He’d press his hands to his chest, trying to savour this feeling and heat up his fingers that became too cold for the past months.

Not just them were cold, Junhoe said he already looked like a ghost of a human – and it was not Halloween yet, he rolled his eyes and widely laughed from his own joke. Too bad for Donghyuk, Jinhwan heard him and put it to his mind.

Their oldest was tired too, from all the seasonal depression and infinite practice and uncertain comeback, but he started bringing his food to Donghyuk’s room and sitting with him before night practices, forcing chopsticks into his mouth if needed so Donghyuk would eat at least half of the plate. “Or you would faint and die on us in the middle of the dance” Jinhwan said.

It only happened once, Donghyuk wanted to argue but he knew that was stupid. So he let hyung feed him.

The invisible bugs were still there but he forced the food down anyway, or he would make Jinhwan upset too. But Jinhwan always gave him a tired smile after their dinner, and Donghyuk would smile too.

With each smile and each day the food became cleaner.

With each praising from Hanbin or Yunhyeong’s compliment of his looks the mirrors looked a bit less threatening.

Bobby caught him staring at the mirror one day and sighed, he walked up to Donghyuk and put a hand around his shoulders.   
  
“Screw what people would think. You don’t have to tear yourself down for their pleasure, bruh. What I mean is, you shouldn’t do it. What would be left of you?”

He pointed a finger at Donghyuk’s slouched shoulders and messy hair in reflection, and said:   
  
“This guy is the only one who is stuck by your side. Well, technically, he’s on the other side, but you know what I mean. Look at him. He’s always there for you, who else would be? Look at his smile, don’t you want him to smile bright and sincere? Why you don’t like the guy so much?”

Donghyuk couldn’t find an answer. He probably looked guilty but his own self in the mirror changed the weary smile to a blank face.

Bobby squeezed his shoulder.

“Don’t try to kill him. Befriend him. Or let others help you if you don’t feel strong enough. You’re the only one you’ve got, that’s the truth. Got it?”

The words felt so touching and raw that Donghyuk felt a lump in his throat. Instead of sobbing like an idiot, he tried to pull himself together and retread with a good natured jab at his friend:   
  
“Since when you became so smart and eloquent in korean, huh?”

Bobby knocked two fingers against his temple in a kind-of-a salute.

“I’m actually a genius.”

The door opening made them both startled, and they turned to see Chanwoo coming in with Jinhwan for a vocal practice. Bobby waved his hand, announcing he’s about to leave in a small room next to their to work on a rap, and jumped on the eldest to test his nerves in another stupid joke.

Donghyuk watched as Chanwoo walked up to him, unusually shy. He raised his hand in front of Donghyuk, with a chocolate bar lying on his palm.

“I saw you skipped the meal again. Might want to snack on something that isn’t bland and healthy as Yunhyeong hyung’s culinare experiments.”

Donghyuk smiled at him and took the bar. He slowly ripped the corner of its wrapper and bit into a chocolate. His mouth suddenly filled with water.

Chanwoo proudly nodded and wandered off to shut up noisy Junhoe who just arrived into the room.

Donghyuk looked at his side, once again catching himself in the mirror.

_Befriend him. He’s the only one stuck by your side._

Donghyuk smiled.

The chocolate never tasted better.

He was going to become better, too.

**Author's Note:**

> please tell me what do u think ^ ^  
> and come to chat w me and throw your requests at me on twitter: @sinosi_jjang


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